what if…?

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volumes of silence

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This is something I wrote sometime ago that I never published, but it is still relevant today.

I take a deep breath, exhale, then repeat, breathing out all the chaos and irritations of life. For days I’ve watched the madness encircle even the ones closest to me. I shrink back.

It’s a constant struggle, watching and observing the hectic bustle of daily life. There’s so  much noise. Yelling, screaming, calling out for our voices to be heard over the din. We’re always trying so hard to lose our vocal chords just so that we might be heard.

Hear Me.

Pain, bitterness, hate. These are the voices that breathe the loudest in this world. They flash out in great big neon letters, lighting up the darkness without truly illuminating it. It’s often hard to see the hurt of the person in front of you when you’re being blinded by these colors of emotion.

We live in a world where no one seems to notice the dark corners and hallways where the wallflowers and shadowplayers linger. To be honest, they’re no different than anyone else. They, too, have plugged their ears to the deafening cries of humanity. So if we’re all fighting for our voices to be heard, what’s the point?

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Love speaks in volumes of silence. In fact, it is so soft, you could almost miss it. In the midst of the anger and rage, it whispers. Then it listens. You see, there are pieces of Silence being passed around by the few who take the time to shut up and turn down their own cries of anguish. They have mastered this beautiful art. They can see beyond the bright lights and hear the language spoken in the spaces where the noise stops.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just rambling here. Maybe I am just another voice in the boiling chaos. All I want out of this is to cause you to reflect on where you stand in the whirlwind that is this world. Because honestly, there are plenty of people to make up for the madness. But when was the last time you shut your mouth and opened your heart?

When was the last time you listened?

When was the last time you heard?

perfection

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I’m a bit late to the party. A month late to be exact. It’s only that I’ve been contemplating just what I wanted to say to begin this year. And in reflection upon my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve become fearful of my own thoughts; I’ve allowed myself to become complacent in this frame of mind that nothing I create will be perfect enough. It’s true though, and this is not myself wallowing in self-pity either. This is the hard truth, one I have been struggling in coming to terms with.

Nothing I can say or do will ever be perfect enough for this world. I may create a story or song that I place all my emotions into, but to someone else it may not be enough to reach into their heart. I may write a billion tweets, gain millions of followers all over social media, and still it wouldn’t be enough. There will always be someone who will find fault in what I’ve said or done. Maybe I will never measure up. But maybe that is not the point.

 

Perfectionism is  a lie. But we are expected to live up to it.

 

The world is a loud place. In some cases, it feels hellish. We all are screaming for perfection both in ourselves and in those around us. The problem is how different each and every one of us are. We want to squeeze everyone into our bubble of excellence. Then again, your neighbor is doing the exact same thing to you. It’s a war out there, and you’re in the middle of it whether you signed up for it or not. But that makes you a soldier, a warrior, with weapons that are yours for the taking. So use them.

There is a saying that says, “Expectation is the root of all heartache”. I don’t think I could have expressed my sentiments more effectively. We expect so much, and forget that life and our dreams are worthy of more than to be given a mere rating by people who have very little understanding. This mindset is what gets us into trouble. We don’t respect ourselves because others don’t. Honestly, I believe that is a key to success. Respect yourself and respect your art.

 

Life is a fragile gift and so are the dreams in our hearts.

 

I’ll never be perfect enough for anyone. My words may not reach into the heart of one person the way it might to someone else. But there lies the beauty. If I can inspire one person in my lifetime, I say that should be enough. The importance here is that I allowed my dreams to live. That is my goal not only for this year, but for the rest of my life.

If you’re reading this, give yourself a chance. Forget being a perfectionist. Allow yourself to live beyond your minds eye. Take chances. Don’t just live a little, live a lot. Aim for the stars, and don’t listen to those who say it’s impossible.

Take courage and have faith in your dreams.

i am fearful

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I realize I haven’t written something on here in a while, and so I thought it would be a good idea to post something. This time, though, I wanted it to be personal, not just for myself, but for you as the reader. It’s awkward and scary for me to write this, but I believe honesty is the best thing we can offer ourselves and the world. I hope that no matter what I reveal here, it will inspire you to be the best person you can be.

“Okay, so what’s your story?”

This is a question I like asking people. I love to know to know what makes up the heart and soul of who you are and what sort of passions are hidden inside you. But when it comes down to it, I become flustered when the reverse happens to me. What’s my story? How much should I present? The verge is a scary place, and yet sometimes it can be amazing to see what you can find when you’re out there.

But I’m made up of fears. I’m far from proud of that factor, and I wish I could snap my finger and become a fearless lion on a savannah. Unfortunately it’s not that simple. My fears sink deeper than that of finding myself alone in the same room as an oblivious (and probably also very fearful and panicked) cockroach. As deep as that may be, that is only the surface. Sometimes, just looking at myself in the mirror can prove to be scary. It’s hard to look at yourself eye to eye, especially when you haven’t slept well or when your hair refuses to cooperate. I can remember days where I stand in front of the mirror trying to talk myself into smiling despite the fact that nothing about my face or my hair gave me confidence to show myself to the world outside. Maybe society paints these insecurities onto our minds and hearts…maybe…then again, I know deep inside that beauty is deeper than the first layer of skin. Still…I fear.

 

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There are other things that haunt me. Success, is one of them. I’m a writer and musician and sometimes it’s hard to motivate yourself to work with what you have. Suddenly your art becomes work because the pressure is on and you’re obligated to raise yourself to this ridiculous level. To be fearless is never an easy task.

I know I’m not the only one reaching for the stars and feeling as if maybe it’s not worth it. I’m not the only one wondering if anything I have to say is even worth saying. As I write this, I doubt whether or not my words have any point. Most of the time, I feel as though I am rambling. And yet, I have so much to say and I find myself out on the verge all over again, whether or not I want to be out there. We all have something tugging at our hearts; some of us may climb over the wall and reach success; and some of us will spend our whole lives climbing a rope that has no end. Nevertheless, the prize is never what matters. What matters is that we gave ourselves something to live for. But no matter how much positivity I speak, fear will always find a way. It’s a constant battle, but it’s a battle that is worth fighting.

 

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All in all, I think it’s safe to say that “there is nothing to fear but fear itself”. And as cliché as this sounds, those are some of the truest words ever spoken. And while I type out these words, I find that the only thing holding me back from finishing this post is the fear locked inside me. I mean, I think every artisan can relate when I say that revealing one’s thoughts to the world is scary and brings out even the worst of insecurities in a person. But there’s something about divulging your deepest thoughts and creative ideas (even if it may nearly destroy all your self-esteem….ha ha). You see, despite fear, there’s a part of it that many people don’t see…it’s letting go; it’s reaching out; it’s adventurous; and it’s redeeming. That is why, no matter how many people dislike what I say, no matter how hard it is to express myself, and no matter how many times I press the backspace on my keyboard, I will continue this messy and uncontainable art. Because, though fear will never suppress, the key is always to punch it in the face whenever you begin to feel it sink in.

I don’t know… Maybe you’re just like me and you have no idea what you’re doing, so what? Keep on, keep on. And to those who say that we can’t succeed; let them eat their own words because it’s better to do something amazing than sit around letting your creativity eat away at your soul.

 

I confess, I am fearful. But I am also a dreamer; and dreams, given the chance, can come true if you give them a chance to live and breathe.

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