confession #1: I am fearful

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I realize I haven’t written something on here in a while, and so I thought it would be a good idea to post something. This time, though, I wanted it to be personal, not just for myself, but for you as the reader. It’s awkward and scary for me to write this, but I believe honesty is the best thing we can offer ourselves and the world. I hope that no matter what I reveal here, it will inspire you to be the best person you can be.

“Okay, so what’s your story?”

This is a question I like asking people. I love to know to know what makes up the heart and soul of who you are and what sort of passions are hidden inside you. But when it comes down to it, I become flustered when the reverse happens to me. What’s my story? How much should I present? The verge is a scary place, and yet sometimes it can be amazing to see what you can find when you’re out there.

But I’m made up of fears. I’m far from proud of that factor, and I wish I could snap my finger and become a fearless lion on a savannah. Unfortunately it’s not that simple. My fears sink deeper than that of finding myself alone in the same room as an oblivious (and probably also very fearful and panicked) cockroach. As deep as that may be, that is only the surface. Sometimes, just looking at myself in the mirror can prove to be scary. It’s hard to look at yourself eye to eye, especially when you haven’t slept well or when your hair refuses to cooperate. I can remember days where I stand in front of the mirror trying to talk myself into smiling despite the fact that nothing about my face or my hair gave me confidence to show myself to the world outside. Maybe society paints these insecurities onto our minds and hearts…maybe…then again, I know deep inside that beauty is deeper than the first layer of skin. Still…I fear.

 

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There are other things that haunt me. Success, is one of them. I’m a writer and musician and sometimes it’s hard to motivate yourself to work with what you have. Suddenly your art becomes work because the pressure is on and you’re obligated to raise yourself to this ridiculous level. To be fearless is never an easy task.

I know I’m not the only one reaching for the stars and feeling as if maybe it’s not worth it. I’m not the only one wondering if anything I have to say is even worth saying. As I write this, I doubt whether or not my words have any point. Most of the time, I feel as though I am rambling. And yet, I have so much to say and I find myself out on the verge all over again, whether or not I want to be out there. We all have something tugging at our hearts; some of us may climb over the wall and reach success; and some of us will spend our whole lives climbing a rope that has no end. Nevertheless, the prize is never what matters. What matters is that we gave ourselves something to live for. But no matter how much positivity I speak, fear will always find a way. It’s a constant battle, but it’s a battle that is worth fighting.

 

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All in all, I think it’s safe to say that “there is nothing to fear but fear itself”. And as cliché as this sounds, those are some of the truest words ever spoken. And while I type out these words, I find that the only thing holding me back from finishing this post is the fear locked inside me. I mean, I think every artisan can relate when I say that revealing one’s thoughts to the world is scary and brings out even the worst of insecurities in a person. But there’s something about divulging your deepest thoughts and creative ideas (even if it may nearly destroy all your self-esteem….ha ha). You see, despite fear, there’s a part of it that many people don’t see…it’s letting go; it’s reaching out; it’s adventurous; and it’s redeeming. That is why, no matter how many people dislike what I say, no matter how hard it is to express myself, and no matter how many times I press the backspace on my keyboard, I will continue this messy and uncontainable art. Because, though fear will never suppress, the key is always to punch it in the face whenever you begin to feel it sink in.

I don’t know… Maybe you’re just like me and you have no idea what you’re doing, so what? Keep on, keep on. And to those who say that we can’t succeed; let them eat their own words because it’s better to do something amazing than sit around letting your creativity eat away at your soul.

 

I confess, I am fearful. But I am also a dreamer; and dreams, given the chance, can come true if you give them a chance to live and breathe.

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